Confessions – 2005

Building Character

If you have read “My Journals – 1″, you can see that I really needed an intervention.  God promised…“He knew and approved me [as His chosen instrument]”, but I was having a hard time believing that.  Although I was praying every day, sometimes more than once a day, I’m not sure that I really meant it; did I really trust that He was listening to me and would get me through this?   Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding”.   That is what I needed to do, focus on listening to God instead of worrying about if He was listening to me.   Put Him in control.

For several months, things didn’t seem to change for me physically.  I finally changed doctors in June 2005; she changed some of my medications around, and I finally I started feeling better by July.  I go to my Rheumatologist every three months for blood tests and a check up.  I was progressively getting better and starting to slowly exercise.  It was always up and down, good days and bad days, but overall, I was learning to live beyond physical feelings—to dig down into the deeper places within me where the spirit of God dwells.

Through all of this stuggling, God has been buliding not only my character, but the characters of my children.  My girls are so very sensitive to Mommy’s needs.  They are wonderful helpers and very obedient (most of the time).  They make sure I always have something to drink, that I am comfortable and check to see how I am feeling.  They have learned that if they hear something fall to the floor they come pick it up, so that I don’t have to.  They sacrifice a lot for me; they listen to me complain, although I try not to around them, but they do see it, and they see me struggle physically.  Since I am unable to work, and money is tight, they are slighted a lot when it comes to birthdays, Christmas, going out to eat, special just because treats, etc. They don’t get as much as they use to get.  They are learning that they are more okay doing without “things”, than they are seeing me suffer.  God blessed me with two beautiful daughters, and through my illness, He is growing them to be better Mom’s, stronger Christians, more compassionate, and even better witnesses.