Confessions – 2008 (2)
Poet John Donne wrote:
“Of all the miseries that people experience, sickness is greater than any of them…In poverty I lack things and in banishment I lack the company of other people, but in sickness I lack myself.”
Lack of Trust
Lack of Trust in God is a cause of discontentment. If we would simply trust the Lord, we could rest much easier. Romans 15:13 says, “May the God of your hope so fill you with all the joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope.” I have always wanted to trust in the Lord, but I’ll tell you, it’s very hard to do when you are in the “storm”.
In Philippians 4:11, Paul said that he had “learned to be content.” I don’t know about you, but I spent many years, even as a believer, before I learned contentment. I knew how to be satisfied if I was getting my own way—-if everything was working exactly the way I had planned it, but that doesn’t happen often. I knew absolutely nothing about how to handle the everyday things that come into our lives, at least the way God wanted me to handle them.
One recent “storm” in my life began the summer of 2008; when I really lost trust in God. The stimulator that had been placed in my back was working great. I was healing well and was about 75% pain free. The only pain I was having was in the right side where my herniated disc was. This was the best thing that had happened to me since my hysterectomy.
Now it is 6 weeks after implant surgery, Tuesday, August 19, 2008. I felt pretty good, cleaned the house some in the morning and sat down in the evening to “try” to start Yoga. I was so ready to get the weight off I had gained, sitting around since October of last year. After sitting in the floor for about an hour stretching and doing some Yoga, I got up and my bottom was sore where the stimulator battery was. I didn’t think much about it, just thought it was because I had been sitting in the hard floor for a while.
My Birthday was two days away, so Tony told me I could go to the store and get a whole Yoga kit for my present. I went around 9 p.m., and before I left the store, I started shivering; I was so cold! I came home and took my temperature, it was only 101.3, but I had never been that cold in my life. I called the doctor and he said it sounded like a viral infection, to just come in the morning. After shivering for over an hour and half, I finally got warm enough to sleep.
Around 2 a.m., I got up to go the restroom, when I got in there I passed out cold. When I came to, I called for my hubby. He came in, and in his and typical mood after being woke up, said “what do you want me to do? Get up out of the floor. I can’t help you if you are down there.” Well, I couldn’t move! My limbs were paralyzed, I couldn’t move my arms or my legs, I couldn’t pick my head up and I was slurring my words like I was drunk.
Finally, after about 15 or 20 minutes, I was able to get up, but when I stood, my legs went out from under me; thank God Tony was there to catch me. He sat me on the toilet, the closest thing to me at the time; I felt like I was going to be sick. I was having those horrible “sick” hot flashes and had a cold wash cloth on my face. This went on for about 30 minutes, but I never got sick at all. It finally went away and I went back to bed.
The next morning, my fever was gone and I no other symptoms except my bottom was sore. I went to the doctor and he said again, that it sounded like it was just a viral infection, and that I would be fine. He sent me home. That evening, the chills returned and my temperature went up again to 101.3, but it didn’t last too long. I went to bed and slept all night long.
The next morning, Thursday, August 21, my birthday, I got up to a lot of pain in my bottom, back, neck and head. I looked in the mirror and the spot where my battery was, was swollen, bruised, red and had heat in it. There was a streak of red going all the way my spine where the lead wires went. I immediately called the Pain Center and they said come in right away.
I drove myself to the doctor, thinking it was nothing major. My dad called on my way there to see if he could meet me there and take me to lunch for my birthday afterwards. He went in with me to see the doctor. As soon as the nurse saw my backside, she turned as white as a ghost. She said that the stimulator would have to come out. I LOST IT!!!! I was so upset, because it had been working so well. At first I thought, they would let me heal a few days, then take it out, but when the doctor came in and saw it, he said they were going to admit me immediately and have it out by 5 p.m. Thank God my dad was with me, I was devastated!
Of course, everything went so fast. Dad and I were on our cell phones calling everyone we could and telling them. My mom, my step mother-in-law, and one of my best friends, left work immediately and got there before surgery. My baby sister went to and picked up Tony because I had the only vehicle with me. They went and checked the girls out of school and made it before surgery.
My fever had shot up to 103.6 before I got to surgery. My doctor came and told that he would put the stimulator back in about 6 months after this infection cleared up. He also said that the surgery would only take about 30 minutes. Well, it took about two and half hours. He said when he got in there that there was so much puss from the infection, he had never seen anything like it before. It ended up being a Staph Infection. Since it was Staph, he said that he would never put any kind of device into my body again because my immune system was already so weak from the RA. I of course, was once again devastated!
I spent 5 days in the hospital being treated for the Staph Infection. I had a chest x-ray, an MRI of the spine, a CAT scan of the brain and an EKG of my heart while I was there. They had to change my wounds (two of them) twice a day. These wounds were as long and as deep as a q-tip is long and had to heal from the inside out. They were not stitched up at all. It was excruciating pain to have them changed!!!! I had an IV in my arm giving me antibiotics and blood taken daily. They put a pic line in my arm for administering IV antibiotics for the next 6 to 8 weeks at home. It was miserable!!!
I was finally able to come home on Monday, August 25th. They had set up for home health care nurses to come out and take care of me. When I left the hospital, it was my understanding that the nurses would come out every day to give me my antibiotic and change my dressings. The day after I got home, a nurse come out and, showed my friend how to do it and said that she only did the pic line care, not the wound care. I called the doctors and they ended up changing home health care companies, one that would do both. But, the thing is, they only wanted to show someone else how to do it and they would only come out once a week. Lucky for me, I had two wonderful friends that helped me out the first week and a half. They took turns coming over and administering my antibiotics and changing my wounds. To tell you the truth, I was a little embarrassed at first. Here were two of my good friends, and I had to show them my butt every day.
When the nurse from the new home health care company came out and saw what my wounds looked like, she was very shocked that the hospital had sent me home so early, and not only that, but she said they should have sent me home with what they call a Wound Vac. It is a vacuum system that works to heal the wounds faster. Without the Wound Vac, it would take 6 to 8 months for the wounds to heal on their own the way they were being changed every day (they really needed to be changed twice a day). With this Wound Vac, it would only take 6 to 8 weeks. That is a huge difference! I immediately got on the phone with my doctor, it took a couple of days, but they finally got the vac out here and hooked up.
For the first several days, the vac worked great. They only had to change it 3 times per week instead of packing it every day. My nurse told me the way they were packing it before the vac, was causing the wounds not to heal. It was actually making it worse. Now, the wounds have started to close up in just a few days. It will still take several weeks, but is much better than several months.
Please see the “My Journals – 3″ section for the journals I wrote the week I came home from the hospital.
Now, I am not going to sit here and tell you that I am totally knowledgeable in the enitre Bible, or that I am a perfect Christian all of a sudden, because I am far from it! None of us are perfect and God knows that. Putting trust in God is one of the hardest lessons I have learned. Even now, I wonder, but Matthew 17:20 says “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
Through this storm, I had a hard time praying out loud to God. A friend of mine gave me a journal to keep my thoughts in, so I decided to start writing my prayers. By doing this, I am now able to say my prayers out loud, I’m leaning on God more and learning to trust Him to lead me through the storms in my life. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually I am doing much better. My wounds are healing and my heart is healing. I am finally starting to feel very content!
“Heavenly and Gracious Father, I ask you to take over my heart and life. Let me know that each and every moment of this day you are with me, protecting me and preserving me through your love. Help me overcome the discouragements that are coming into my day, and ease my pain. Take all the self-pity and resentment from my heart and mind, and let me live one day at a time while trusting you. Lord, please guide me through this day and upcoming night. And, help me to patient while I wait for your answers. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.”
ramom
