Confessions – 2008 (1)
After all the injections and pain medicine changes, I was finally getting by. There were decent days and bad days, not many “good” days. After going to see Dr. Muench, my pain doctor, every month for a couple months, we decided that there had to be something else. I was not functioning and could not go on like this any longer. Dr. Muench had suggested during all the epidural injections that I file for disability since I have two debilitating diseases. So, I did on January 27, 2008.
While I was waiting for Disability to make their decision, we decided to implant a Spinal Cord Stimulator to help with my pain. The stimulator is an electronic device that has electrodes in lead wires that go up my spine. The electrodes send a signal to the brain other than pain. The battery is also implanted to everything will be inside, all I would have to carry with me, would be the remote control that would allow me to control how much stimulation I would need, according to how much pain I was in.
The insurance requires several things before this device can be implanted. One, is a psychiatric evaluation…On February 27, 2008, I had to go answer a lot of questions to make sure I was mentally stable enough to have this device put into my body. Second, was that I had to have a trial stimulator for 7 to 10 days before they would implant the permanent one.
On April 1, 2008, April fool’s Day I had the trial surgery, it was a little rough. They put you into a twilight sleep, so you can be alert of what is going on. I had to tell them where the pain was so that they could put the lead wires in the correct place. There was a lot of pressure and quite a bit of pain. After the surgery, when they turned the stimulator on, I was pain free. I couldn’t believe how much pain that thing took away. The only problem was, I couldn’t take a bath for the entire time, and I had to carry it around on my waist because it was not actually implanted inside yet.
The point of the trial was to make sure I was going to like the sensation it sent to the areas of pain, and to make sure it was going to take my pain away. The hope was to at least take away 50 to 60% of the pain away. It definitely did more than that. I was pretty much pain free for the entire 8 days the trial was in. After 8 days, I went back to have the trial removed. The day I went, my blood pressure shot up because I was so upset they were taking it out. I loved it so much, I wanted to keep it. Now, I had to wait 3 weeks before they would do the final, permanent implant. My body needed to heal that long first.
In the meantime, the doctor decided to go ahead and do an MRI of the cervical spine to make sure there was nothing major going on there. I had been complaining of left arm pain, so they need to check it out. I had the MRI done on April 23, 2008. The MRI had to be done before my surgery (which was scheduled for May 6th), because once this device was in me, they cannot do an MRI. Since there is metal in the Stimulator, an MRI is impossible.
On Wednesday, April 30, 2008, I was on my way to the attorney’s office to appeal the denial of disability, when I received a phone call from the doctor telling me that we could not do the surgery on the 6th because the MRI showed that not only was my neck a mess, but that there appeared to be a problem with my pituitary gland. They needed to do another MRI of just my neck and brain to make sure there was nothing going on there that had to be fixed first.
I was so upset I screamed and cried, “What is it? Is it cancer? Oh, my God, what else could go wrong? I can’t take anymore! I just want my stimulator put in, so that I can get out of this pain.” The way the stupid insurance is, I had to go back to my regular doctor and get a referral from them for the MRI, which to me is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. Why couldn’t the Pain Center refer me, they are the one’s that ordered the last MRI.
I made an appointment with the regular doctor and they sent me for the MRI. Then, I had to make an appointment with my Endocrinologist for him to read the MRI and run some tests to approve me for surgery. I saw him on May 8th. He said that we would have a phone appointment to discuss the results on May 14th. That was a LONG few days of sitting and waiting and worrying (in exile). Finally, May 14th had arrived and the doctor called and said that everything looked good, I was clear to have the surgery. “Finally, we are getting somewhere!”
I went back to the Pain Center with documentation that said I was cleared for surgery. And low and behold, they decided that they should go ahead and do one more MRI of the Thorasic Spine to make sure things looked okay there. Since they can’t do an MRI once the stimulator goes in, they needed to go ahead and check the Thorasic area before my surgery. So, I called to get another MRI scheduled and they couldn’t see me until June 21st. This was the middle of May and I had to wait until the middle of June. This was getting a little bit ridiculous.
In the meantime, while all of this nonsense was going on, I was still in constant pain, taking narcotics, and crying daily. Because of the narcotics, I didn’t drive very often, so I just sat home and felt more and more alone every day. “Where are you God? I need you to hear my cries.” Above all, Jesus inspires us to pray because of His own prayer while he was on the cross, “why have you forsaken me?” (Matt. 27:46). We are better off to cry “why?” than to not cry at all.
After the last MRI, I had to take all the MRI’s to my Neurosurgeon for him to evaluate and tell me if he thought the stimulator was the right thing or not. I had my appointment with him on June 25th. He told me that I have a herniated disk in the right Thorasic region. I had been having pain there too. He agreed that the stimulator would be a great idea at this time, because I am too young to start fusing vertebrae. He also said that a stimulator in my neck would be a good idea. So, finally I am scheduled for surgery on July 1, 2008. Thank you Lord, for getting me through to this point.
Getting through to this point was “hell”. I spent days and days wondering… “Why God left me here to suffer in pain? Why wasn’t He listening to me? Why didn’t He speed things up? Why wasn’t He making me better?” But, in the end, I finally learned that if God waits longer than we could wish for, it is only to make the blessing doubly precious.
The apostle John was exiled on Patmos, a deserted island, near the end of his life. I’m sure he must have prayed to God to be set free and sent back to his church and to his ministry. He must have begged God to get him off of this remote island so he could continue his life in ministry. Yet, God didn’t answer his prayers. Instead, John realized that God was drawing closer to him during his exile and gave him a vision that he recorded in the Book of Revelation. Jesus was with him in exile on Patmos!
Jesus was with me in exile too, I just didn’t accept it for a while. My exile is, at times, my house. I have spent many months in my living room trying to figure out what God has in store for me. At first, I wasn’t listening hard enough. My tears were clouding the vision that God was trying to send me. I would pace the floors in pain, crying and asking God, “what good could come out of all this?” I had read the Bible, I had heard the Sunday school lessons, I had listened to my family and friends tell me that God had a bigger plan for my life and that I would have a great testimony one day, but it was so hard to believe.
After God impressed upon my heart to write this blog, I started reading inspirational books and studying the Bible to educate myself on my own feelings. This helped me to “finally” understand that God did have a bigger plan for me. It may not be to write this blog, but by writing, I am learning to hear God and to trust God more and more every day. First Peter 5:7 says, “Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for he cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.”
How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
—Psalm 13
ramom
