My Journals – 1 (Why Me?)
It’s now January 7, 2005. I have not written in a diary or journal since high school. WOW! I am 32 years old and have just now decided to start putting my life on paper.
I have a good reason for that I guess. Back in November I went to the doctor for what I thought was the flu and/or a bladder infection. While I was there, I asked him what he needed to do to test for Arthritis. He was also a Rheumatologist. Of course, he asked why. I told him that for several years my right leg had been hurting, mostly at night and first thing in the morning. Also, that my right hand hurt a lot and is swollen and stiff in the mornings. I had been thinking the leg was from clogging for 10 years and the hand was from Carpal Tunnel again. I just knew the pain and aggravation was getting worse.
So, he said “let’s do some x-rays and blood tests to see”. We did the x-rays that day and he told me I had Osteoarthritis which was no big deal. Then he sent me over for blood tests. Of course, it take a couple of days for the blood tests to come back, so when I left he said he would see me back in about 6 weeks. After the blood work came back, he wanted to see me the next week. The week before Thanksgiving, that couldn’t be good.
It turns out I don’t have Osteoarthritis; I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, which of course, with my luck, is much worse. Anyway, at first he said that since I was so young, he didn’t want to start me on RA medications to treat it yet, because, once you start them you never get off. So, I’m on them for the rest of my life. O.K., cool, whatever he said, I did. Then, he said “let’s run two more blood tests just to see how far and fast this disease is progressing. The tests came back positive for a very active fast moving disease. So we went from let’s wait a while on meds., to we need to start them now.
Well, we discussed it, he gave me some information on RA and the two medications I would need to start and we decided I would wait until after the Holidays to start taking them in case of side effects.
I was doing o.k., had scheduled my appointment for January 27th. I needed to get all the holidays and Meagan’s B-Day behind me. I was pretty tired, but did the best I could. Then, on Wednesday, December 29th, I had gone to lunch with some friends from church and on the way home; my leg started aching, which was abnormal for the middle of the day. By that night, I was in pain, a lot of pain. For the next few days, I was in pain. Wouldn’t you know the doctor was out of town until Monday, January 3rd. First, thing Monday, I called and got an appointment for Tuesday at 2:30.
I went in, he was a little aggravated, he had told me 6 weeks earlier, not to wait too long before starting the meds. Well, I was stubborn and did wait too long. He did a skin test to test TB and gave me 5 prescriptions.
1) Relefin – anti-inflammatory
2) Darvaset – for pain
3) Trexal – methotrexate
4) Enbrel – injection
5) Folic Acid – to counteract the side effects of the Trexall and Enbrel
I immediately went to get them filled. I waited an hour and a half for them to tell me they had to order the Trexal and the Enbrel. I did get the other 3 FREE because I waited so long. Anyway, here it is Friday and still do not have all the medications I need. I have an appointment Tuesday for him to show me how to do the Enbrel injection, so I hope it comes soon.
The past few days have been rough. I cleaned my easiest house on Wednesday and it was very hard. After spending a lot of the day on Tuesday at the doctor’s office, Tony’s anger set in. I’ve been angry for quite a while, but now it’s all piling up on him at once. He is worried about how much all of this is going to cost. He’s worried about me getting hooked on pain meds. He’s worried about my attitude lately, the way I’ve been treating him and the girls. And, he is just worried about me in general. A lot has happened the past few months and it’s taking its toll on all of us. We had some words Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, but it’s better now.
Tonight, there is a lock-in at church for 1st – 4th grades. My good friend Kecia will be there with me. Mr. Steve and some of the youth group will also be there. My pain is worse at night after a long day, so I am resting today. Hopefully I will make it through the night.
Saturday, January 8, 2005
The lock-in at church was so much fun. We had about 23 children. I was in some pain and pretty tired, but it was good for me to get my mind off of things. I didn’t get to sleep until around 4:30 a.m. and then was up at 7:30 a.m. To bed early, in a lot of pain today.
January 9, 2005
Unbelievable day!!!! Got up, felt great, no pain, good mood, got ready and went to church. Everyone said I even looked better. Buddy’s sermon was about when disaster strikes in your life, give it all to God. Of course, I cried like a baby. During the invitation four of the older women in the church (Wanda Barton, Lynn Poff, Nancy Reynolds, and Donna Lockard), came and pulled me to the front of the church and individually prayed for me. Then Buddy prayed for me to the whole congregation. WOW!!! Tears everywhere, including Tony. I felt so much love and the Holy Spirit was working in me.
Nancy had told me last week that she and Lynn wanted to get together with me and have a prayer session. I just assumed it would be the 3 of us. I never imagined anything like this. God is amazing! Thank you Lord for all that you are doing in my life. Thank you for my husband, family, friends, and my church. Please continue to guide me day by day to do your will. Amen
January 10, 2005
I had a pretty good day, a little pain in right leg, but got a lot done around the house. Was real achy at bedtime, but finally got to sleep and slept all night.
January 11, 2005
Went to see the doctor today, Mom went with me. He showed me how to do the Enbrel injection. I have to do this every Tuesday and Friday now. He said to slow down on cleaning houses. If I don’t need the money, stop doing it period. If I need the money, cut it in half. Gotta figure out what to do, we need to pay the bills. I asked him about walking for exercise and he said if it hurts, don’t do it. Swimming is the best exercise for me.
I feel o.k. today, or at least until around 5ish. Pain started, took my Darvaset and it eased off before bedtime.
January 13, 2005
I think God spoke to me this morning! I’ve had a hard time finding a coach for the 4,5and 6 grade team. I called a girl about 3 days ago and left a message. I didn’t hear back from her, so I didn’t know what I was going to do about a coach. I got up this morning (which was very hard), couldn’t open a Ziploc baggie, couldn’t open Nikki’s sippy cup and was hurting and crying. I finally got the kids to school, came home, sat on the couch and cried some more. Stephanie’s house was on the calendar to be cleaned today, so I called her to see if it was ready for me to come (hoping desperately she would say no). I really didn’t feel like going at all, so I called and she said yes, it was ready. I hung up the phone and cried some more. I was angry all over again, “WHY ME?” “What do you want me to do God?” Talking and crying out loud to him.
Then the phone rang, it was the girl I had called 3 days ago returning my call. She wanted to coach, said she would be there tonight and she was very excited. I hung up the phone, threw my hands up in the air and said “God is Good”, then started to cry uncontrollably. God spoke to me! I think he was telling me that he didn’t let her call 3 days ago, because I really needed a pick me up today!
January 14, 2005
I cleaned one of my biggest houses today. It wasn’t easy at all. I’m having a hard time. I need to find another job or something. Just have to keep praying about it.
January 18, 2005
I cleaned my easiest house today. It wasn’t so easy!!!! Went to the doctor today. My blood work from last week looked good. He took more blood and said unless it comes back bad, he will see me in 3 weeks.
January 20, 2005
Pretty good day, feel much better. Had cheerleading practice tonight. We had uniforms and pom poms to pass out, so it wore me out. After that I had to run to Aunt Beverly’s house for a party (I was late). I didn’t stay long, was pretty tired.
January 21, 2005
Felt great today, no pain, and no depression. I cleaned my smallest house today. Started out full force, but tired by the end. Nothing major!
January 22, 2005
Met Mom, Dad, Steph and the boys for lunch, and then went to Granny Born’s 79th B-Day party at the nursing home. Last night Tony told me that he’s considering going into a Van at work. This means different hours, possible overtime and always on call. Not a whole lot to sacrifice, but I feel so guilty that he’s doing this because we are broke and I can hardly get out of the bed in the mornings. I really hate my life right now. There has got to be something I can do to help him. He does everything he possible can to provide for this family, he puts up with so crap from me and he’s killing himself working. I HATE IT!!! God please help me feel better so that I can help my loving husband support our family.
January 23, 2005
Didn’t go to church today, Tony is so tired, he never gets to sleep in and just wanted to rest and watch football today. At first I was kind of disappointed but I understand. Plus, I woke up sick anyway. A head cold Tony gave me. My body is really aching too. It’s only in the 30’s toady. COLD!!!! Went to breakfast, then by the store. Found myself feeling worse and the couch all day long, cold, in pain and sick.
January 24, 2005
Still feel like crap, can’t shake this cold and it was 21 degrees this morning. I had to take the girls to the dentist this afternoon. I was very ill and didn’t feel good at all. All I want to do is cry.
January 25, 2005
Felt really bad when I first woke up this morning. Dry throat, stuffy nose, the whole bit. Went back to sleep and got up feeling much better. Got the kids to school, took my injection and weighed. I have lost 2 pounds. Long way to go, but it’s a start. It’s now almost 11 am and I have 12 noon dentist appt. I am feeling a little sick to my tummy, I hope it goes away . Got a few things done…grocery store, bank, etc. Sat on the couch with Tony tonight. Closeness is something we haven’t has in a while.
January 26, 2005 (Jessica’s B-Day)
Went to the shop to work with Stephanie today. Did some filing and typing. My hands are killing me. Everything else feels good, just my hands. Also went to church tonight. Started a new class called “Come Thirsty” by Max Lucado. I love his books; I’m excited about this new class.
February 11, 2005
It’s been a while since I have written….everything on a daily basis is up and down with me right now. By the time I can sit down at night to write, I am so tired, it just doesn’t happen. A lot has happened though…every time I clean a house, I feel I cannot clean anymore. It is getting harder and harder on me. I want to quit so bad, but we are hurting so bad for money right now, it is impossible for me to just quit. In the whole 12 ½ years we have been married, we have never been this broke. I have filled out several on-line applications and sent my resume to several places, but nothing yet. I downloaded the application for the school system, have the 2 references filled out, and now all I have to do is get it notarized and mailed. Maybe something will come of it.
Depression is starting to tug at me again. Since I’ve started the medications, the pain that bothered me before isn’t quite as bad, but I am noticing new pain and discomfort. The tenderness is still there and I have a hard time getting my days started. Even when I do get moving, I’m tired or hurting. My legs have started itching and tingling when I sit longer than 15 or 20 minutes, my hand is killing me to write this, it also hurts to hold a phone or a book for more than a few minutes. My feet have started hurting lately too. When I get up in the morning they are really stiff at first. My knees have also started hurting with every step I take and I am just tired!
I am also having a really hard time with Meagan. She constantly talks back and argues with me. I have a bad habit of yelling at her, but it is only when she drives me to that point. I have to tell her more than once to do anything, and then she talks back or argues. When she asks ne for something and I say no, she talks back and argues. It’s a constant battle and I just cannot handle anymore. Yesterday, Tony asked her if she treated her friends that way. She said “there is no way I would ever treat them that way, they would tell the teacher, then I would get in trouble”. To me, that means she cares more about what her friends and teacher thinks and will do, than what I think. That broke my heart when she said that. She asked me later in the evening if I was still mad at her. I told her I was disappointed and very hurt, but not mad. I remember my Mom saying that to me and I felt like crap but I really wonder if it bothers her at all.
Today, we had a much better day, not one problem before school and she came home happy. I helped her get ready for the father/daughter dance and we had a great time. I so wish it could be like that all the time.
I tried talking to my parents about it tonight and my Dad continues to make it sound like it’s my fault. He just doesn’t get it. I know I have my faults, but I just cannot get control of her.
Between Meagan, money, pain, my Dad, finding a job and struggling with the job I have, I am just about to lose it. I am angry, sad, confused and everything in between. I am trying so hard right now to keep a lot of this inside so that Tony doesn’t see it because he is so happy “he’s got his wife back”. That’s what he keeps saying. I don’t want to disappoint him. Without him who knows where I would be. He is my strength and my Best Friend. I feel so bad that I cannot (or haven’t) helped him support this family more. I know we made the decision together for me to stay home until the kids got in school, but look where it’s gotten us. It sucks!!! I hate most everything in my life right now.
I’ve been praying for God to help me, guide me, and give me strength, but I guess I’m having a hard time listening. I’m lost and confused; I don’t know which way to turn.
Went last weekend on a women’s retreat with my Sunday school class. There were 10 of us…myself, Kecia Ledsinger, Cindy Allen, Ricky Allen, Terri Garmon, Stephanie Garmon, Wendy Greenway, Angela Braswell, Sherry Melville, and Susie Webb. We had a great time, laughed, cried, spent several hours in bible study and learned a lot about each other.
But, I did have my heart broken while I was there. I can’t get away from my crappy life no matter what. During a bible study, we were all discussing our children and behaviors. Of course, I talked about Meagan and some of our problems. (I need help and advice terribly). Anyway, Cindy mentioned that maybe next time she sees Meagan disrespecting me she should say something, just to let her know that other people see it. Cindy told Ricky maybe she should help do that too! Ricky said “no, Meagan doesn’t respect me either; she told me and Holly (Ricky’s daughter) that she hated us”. I couldn’t believe it, I know Meagan isn’t perfect, but she would never day she hated anyone, especially to her face. I have caught Ricky in a lie before and it crushes me that she would do this to me again. Anyway, nothing seems to be going right for us at all.
Monday, 2-14-05
Valentine’s Day – not really a big deal! We did go to dinner to a new restaurant Saturday night with Stephanie and Glen. Mom kept all four kids for us, but to be honest, the food was good, the atmosphere was great, but listening to Stephanie and Glen argue got on my nerves. I stupidly wore heels and we waited for a table for a while and started hurting before we sat down. I drank a few beers (which I shouldn’t do) to relax and to ignore them, so by the time Tony and I got home we were tired and really had no time for us. It was o.k., it was a night out, and we had some laughs, not a miserable night, but just not what I really wanted.
Yesterday, not just yesterday, but particularly yesterday, I was really emotional. I’m so angry and tired and in pain all the time.
Today, I cried a lot, I cleaned my house and it took longer than it should have. It’s so tiring. I use to be so full of life and energy. I feel like a totally different person. I feel like it’s all a nightmare.
ramom
